8/03/2014

I took the pill at 12:24AM. I want to have a reflection about yesterday night’s incident. I’d like to see later, in retrospect, how my thinking has evolved regarding over-eating and bingeing.

1pm - Either my veins are overly salient today or the Armodafinil is making me aware of them and they’re always like that. 1:11pm welcome to the Mod World :) 1:50pm Here comes something else.

2:15pm - And food, social connection stop mattering. Very aware of what’s around me when I choose to pay attention. Every noise, my presence. Yet the feeling of presence is different. My mind is a bit removed from where it is usually when it dives in the present. Let me try and be extremely mindful (...). This works amazingly well. I close my eyes and hear every single noise around. I feel my body and emotions. And suddenly I fall in a sort of self-hypnotism where I know I could get out of my state of presence and actually write down what I’m thinking and the feeling is pressing. I don’t however. Just like when I was hypnotised. The amazing bit and the true “next level” of mindfulness is when the sounds around Become my thoughts and my mind goes blank. Pure bliss.

0 distraction. It’s impossible. I’m laser focused. I landed on Youtube, I don’t want to look at the video of Tim Ferris. Two things : 1) obsessiveness with detail as if time seemed infinite and you could write everything you feel and think forever 2) A certain frustration about switching from a task to another (writing here for example is super-enjoyable), there’s a small pang when I switch back to blogging. But here you go: It’s about deciding :)

Sweaty armpits and super-increased presence. I can expect the crash. And it does feel like coke without the edgy side of it. I do feel invincible. But I look at the feeling and drop it. I feel well and light. I’m surprised I’m not flying.