18/02/2014

The high speeding mind on Modafinil.
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At night, I dreamt about this american actor from abc always be closing along with the bad guy scientist from spiderman, getting ready to catch a thief coming to their house. scientist is naked chest and training in front of the mirror with black pants. the abc guy is fatter than usual, dressed a bit like the fat guy in big Lebowsky. there's a glass door between scientist and the pool. thief comes, and quickly it feels like mad scientist has kicked him or led him into the kitchen sink. as if he made his feet disappear. abc guy has a big knife and it looks he is about to open up the thief.

me and patrick and small people are in a new apartment. it looks like one of these paradise organic houses. actually a lot like what Gehry's famous fountain house would look like from the inside. there's a lot of dark wood, then there is a tribe outside of small people sitting around on black rocks. patrick comes with one of them. i come into the place, patrick has something white and yellow. i feel a bit unease around him.

there is a Chinese man that looks a bit like Rodriguez and eats very very hot food watching the scene with the american actors. somebody points at him when i ask what's happening, saying this guy is responsible for what's happening here. when i speak to him, his face is inflated like a meme cartoon. he is crying but keep speaking normally as if the super spicy food he's eating doesn't affect him that much.

there are Chinese sculptures that all look alike, bouncing around in a dance / war kind of movement. they have the face of the bloodied boy that Chinese artist sculpts. some are grey. all are fat. most have armours on. as if they were a mix of the full-metal alchemist’s brother and these red boys. the scene is happening in a large desert where spicy crying Rodriguez is sitting in the background eating his spicy food. the whole land is a bit like a dragon-ball desert and maybe that is why the fat guys are a bit like fat boo.

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i felt extremely stressed yesterday towards the end of the day. a mix of fatigue and unexplainable hunger. the exact blend that should signal it's time for sleep. most of the time it's sleep and rest you crave not food when you're tired. sleep. i took an Armodafinil pill yesterday and travelled with my mind into interesting fields. putting my bingeing self on trial as if i pulled him out of my body. same for my snob self and same for my lazy self who can't learn spanish.

there is a space for learning in the morning however now. i will use that for programming and learning spanish. it will be a life-long process as i want to reach 30 and be fluent for example and from there on start reading books in spanish. verbalise. you have a fear in your tummy at the prospect of future. it's an absurd one. this will allow you to travel and meet spanish girls. speak the language of the locals. discuss with spanish friends. understand what people are saying. same for portuguese.

belief, purpose, ground floor consciousness are clear. the power of choice is very present. one can direct his mind and his self. this doesn’t mean that in moments of crisis one can still do it. In moments like these, old habits and instincts can take over. The trick to tackling them os to be prepared by having an alternative route of action. A fixed institutional routine. E.g. : Any time you feel like bingeing, head to sleep. Sleep is amazing. I feel the joy within. It’s inside and independent of the wants and the needs. Be it food or work. I can start to touch it and understand it better.